I’ve been thinking a lot about why we have to stop avoiding hard things – especially hard feelings. I’m not sure at what point in the evolution of society that hard emotions became equated with “bad”. Feeling emotion and allowing ourselves to move through them will not kill us, but we avoid them as if they will. One thing we do know is that bottling the tough emotions up – that will kill us. That manifests itself in stress, and stress wreaks havoc on our bodies.
It manifests itself in stress, and stress wreaks havoc on our bodies.
Sometimes we’ve been hurt by other people and tried to bury those feelings so much that we choose to avoid connecting with other humans altogether. If we don’t risk letting people in and allow them to see our vulnerabilities we think we won’t get hurt. But guess what hurts us even more… ? … a lack of human connection.
Social connection is the key to a thriving human experience.
We are naturally resilient beings. In fact, the more we allow ourselves to feel and move through the entire spectrum of emotions, the better we get at it and the more we will feel. An abundance of joy can only be experienced when we also feel and process the grief, sadness, anger, etc. That’s why we have to stop avoiding hard feelings.
Ironically, it is the experience of social connection that makes it easier to experience and process both the hard things as well as the wonderful. Not only do we feel seen when we allow our authentic selves to be known, and less alone when we walk each other through our tough experiences, but our feelings of joy, love, and happiness are exponentially magnified when we share them too.
The more we allow others to feel seen and heard by us, the easier it gets to hold that space for ourselves
So, how do we get better at reaching out to others when we need a shoulder to lean on or to share our accomplishments with? We must start by doing for others. I’m not talking about giving people opportunities to walk all over us or expect us to always put them first. I mean intentionally thinking of the people we most want to connect with – then doing for them the things that will help them feel seen and that they belong.
Do you know that your friend is going through a hard time? Reach out. Don’t let them off the hook when they brush it off. Within reason, when the people we care about brush it off with an “I’m fine”, don’t just drop it. Let them know that you genuinely care and want to now if they are okay, and how you can be of help to them. Do they need a hug? A listening ear? Someone to just sit with them through their pain?
Likewise, when we know of the accomplishments or good news a friend has recently experienced we can be present to celebrate or simply acknowledge them and those feelings.
Don’t you generally feel happier when your feelings are validated and shared by people who care?
If you crave connection, try a small action – look people in the eye at the shop checkout and smile. More often than not this small action will be returned – and in that brief moment both of you will have increased your human connection.
Start small, with no agenda other than connecting with one person than you already have today.
When that action begins to feel easy and is happening more frequently, try stretching a little. Maybe it’s asking the new café owners something that shows some intertest in getting to know them. Or taking the time to ask a co-worker about their daughter’s dance competition. Or asking what they have planned for fun on the weekend. Maybe it’s picking up the phone to call the sister you haven’t made time to call for weeks. Or maybe it’s sending a quick text to let a neighbour know that you were thinking of them while they were away to bring their father for a medical procedure.
Reach out, even when it’s hard – it gets easier.
Next time you think about wanting to see the latest play at the community theatre, send a quick email to a couple of friends. Ask if they might want to join you. Don’t assume no one else would be interested. Do it while it’s on your mind – before you forget, or talk yourself out of it. What’s the worst thing that could happen? They might be busy, or not interested in the show and say no. But what if they say yes? Your friends will feel good that you thought to invite them. You’ll both/all have a chance to share an evening together.
Avoiding the hard feelings, especially if it means not connecting with other humans, is bad for us. Social connection requires intention and even a little work. And the benefits are more than worth it.
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